Log in

the journey continues...
care to hop on?
Recent Entries 
22nd-Apr-2006 01:21 pm(no subject)

[addendum on 22.06.06: finally... i managed to gain access... and i think it is time for me to remove the photos that were posted by the folks who love and care about me... with good intentions... but it is all wrong really... hope you guys understand...]            


17th-Apr-2006 05:11 pm - it has been...
a busy easter sunday. hutch and i were down at the church like before dawn – we had volunteered for an easter charity bazaar... hmmm... hmmm... which was an overwhelming success. according to hutch, the approach is a novelty – which, if we had adopted it back in singapore, we could possibly worry less about the lukewarm response...

erh... for me of course, what tickled was the glee of seeing the dear man all dressed up as a bunny... but the children clearly loved him... the only thing he had to put up with was the constant question, how come his bunny-woman is a chinese. hmmm... do we detect early discrimination? =) the man thinks i am too sensitive... well, i guess he's kinda right...

seriously though, hutch has been wonderful company... and in some ways, because i am with him, pops and mum are not fretting as much and feeling more at ease... hmmm...

for the benefit of those who've been sending me messages (and complaining that i've not replied...), i am coping well. the first couple of days were horrendous; i'd confess as much... sigh... it is a terrible thought to discover that people can be so selfish and cowardly... or how quickly they can turn from the most respected intellectual to a scheming devil. yea. it is indeed frightful – the good thing is, it is never too late to find out the truth.

hutch and i were discussing the best form of "recovery" programme for moi... when i hit upon the idea of visiting the bookstore – and the other one, till this very second, is still amazed at the number of books i've picked up. "do you just devour books?" – was his incredulous question... erm... "yupz hon, surely you know that right from the beginning..." – went my innocent reply. hmmm... obviously the man is not as much of a book-lover as i am. hmmm...

just when i was wondering aloud how the vastly differing we are – and if there was a common ground between us, something happened to prove i should be less doubtful. we had each picked a pressie for the other – for our anniversary on sat (april 15) but had agreed to postpone the gift exchange till sunday's dinz... and hmmm...

   this is hutch's pressie for moi – the (ladies) tiffany atlas watch...

   and mine for him – the (men's) tiffany atlas watch!

so much for great minds thinking alike! oh by the way, veron's right! tiffany stuff here cost less than they do in
singapore... considering i paid US$2,750 for the watch... think it's closer to $5k in sg dollars though. and knowing the other one, there's no way he'd settle for just giving one pressie ya... =) so i've got my "a" pendant! hmmm... a little ostentatious though... sorry hon, just being truthful lah! =)

  too glittery, i think... =)

mr peterson from tiffany's is definitely pleased with us – since apparently, hutch's ordered the wedding bands from him as well... and for lack of a better phrase, i am overwhelmed. as again.

it's the platinum milgrain band... which, veron was saying, the minute you wear this band... it'd be too costly to remove... hmmm... yea, right.

   yes, it's my dream ring... sigh...

i've received some emails – from strangers? from readers who've popped over by this site rather frequently? from well-meaning folks... asking why i had been this unfair to hutch... sigh... i wish the man had his own blog – for then, he can do his own explaining... but for the record, it was a pact we both had.

it can be narrowed to the commitment-phobic i am (as pointed out many a times by patrick chong)... or it is simply because, i just was not confident. of what? hmmm... of hutch's love for me. of mine for him. that was why hutch suggested that i take the time to grow into my love, on my own... where he'll not put pressure onto me... so that when i choose to walk down the aisle on may 16, i'd do so without the slightest doubt... without any fear... but filled with anticipation and love to build our lives together.

what no one counted for... least of all, myself... was meeting the other patrick. and it was not even like i had sought him out deliberately... well, not really. do i thank the media that put us "in touch" with each other? or do i cuss and swear? that is something that will take a long, long, while before i do have an answer to...

whatever it is... i had not counted for the cruel twist of fate – to meet my future partner's namesake... and worst of all, to fall head over heels with him. i normally would've backed out of "getting involved with a married man" situation... especially with my experience with max... it'd be so easy to pin it down to the requirement of the sting operation that i was involved in pertaining to patrick and many other guys like him – which means, i had to be "arouse the interest of married men".... but that'd be grossly unfair.

for the "sting op" lasted barely two months before i realised that whatever it was with the other men, my relationship with patrick had taken on another shift... into something deeper. okie okie... i thought it had. yet to be brutally frank, i still cannot bring myself to acknowledge that i had been such a bad judge of character... or that he was such a versatile actor that it has even put an actor-friend of mine to shame. really. i just don't feel that he is. and even hutch concurs as much with me.

so when my feelings for mr duh developed deeper... my future plan with hutch became more remotely impossible... and the other one, in his own words, "just took a step into the shadow, waiting for you to awake from the fantasy world you're visiting..." and "because i firmly believe in destiny, i know you will be the one i will spend the rest of my life with... so that means, i am the one for you." sigh. double sigh.

my dear hutch... thank you. it's a mere two words but you must know how much more feeling they convey than anything else i can ever express. yes, thank you. for not letting me down. even when i did.

once in a while
someone comes along
someone who just naturally
makes everyone feel a little happier
a little more alive to life.
you've been that someone to me
you've given me a new perspective
on a lot of things – including myself.
there are things you've said to me
i'll always remember
and ways you've helped me
i'll never forget.
the times we spend together
are always good times
that leave me looking forward
to the next time.
so thanks for being
the wonderful person you are.
you're an inspiration to me
and i'm glad and grateful
that you've come
into my life.
11th-Apr-2006 10:54 pm - simple gestures...
show greatest love. "what love can be greater and truer than that of a man who willingly dies that others may live?" – so wrote columnist colin chee in the new paper on monday.

the scenario may be somewhat different yet over the past couple of days, i am witness to the countless gestures of love... from the people around me, about me.

pops and mum: i am aware that i have sorely disappointed you, especially pappy. never before have you looked at me with such dismay... never. and it hurts me to know that it was i who caused you to feel such. but believe me, i shield no one. it is not like what you think it is, "you have allowed yourself to be taken in by a conniving bastard who's now left you to hang to die". no, it really is not like this. sigh. even though i know i cannot change your mind. and my request that you do not seek the chongs out is for a very simple reason: i can't see any credit in such a deed... except that it may end up more detrimental... to everyone, me included. so please, pappy... i'll live with your disapproval but let the chongs be.

max: my sincerest gratitude to you firstly, for sticking it up for me. your intentions are well-meaning... but your method of operation does leave much to be desired. feeding pops with the details... the information... the updates... what purpose does it serve? yes, i am indeed sorry i did not pay heed to your earlier advice – and i was misguided by my own feelings. now that you have proven right – yes, it would not work. yes, he is a coward. yes, he is a cad. yes, he is a liar – aside from concurring with you on all of the preceding, what else can i say, except i am sorry. but if you feel that you have to "chu qi" for me, no, you are wrong. there is no necessity for it. so, please. "dao ci wei zhi" can? please? max, i love you for being a friend. and thank you for caring enough about me. but one thing you have to understand, i did not leave you because i met patrick chong. no, it had nothing to do with the man. and you know it. it is convenient to blame someone – yes, that's what the man himself is doing – but at the end of the day, we have to be responsible to our own conscience. so, max, drop it. please.

ted: i owe you an apology. for deeming you despicable. yet in your act of deceit, you did it because you were fighting against the odds. at least your lie was not one to hurt me intentionally. so, ted, i am sorry. i am glad that we are still business partners... and i hope you find the lady of your dream. hmmm... you really should consider desiree. =)

veron, jean and especially paulda: my sistas! and their loves, dwayne, alan and terence. thank you for staying with me, as usual, through my morbid moments and dark days. thank you for enduring the morose resistance each time you try to thwart my attempt in falling deeper into the pit. i was not blind... no, if any of you bother to read the archives... particularly right after 6 march, and especially the last few entries, you will know, no, i was not blind. nor was i self-deceiving... i was merely looking at the bright side of life, albeit it was a mistake.

hutchinson: what would i do without you? for the past year, you have stood silently... and patiently... just waiting... not uttering a word of complaint even as our wedding date drew closer. hon, i was too selfish and somehow, i've relegated you to the back of my mind... i cannot defend my actions... i don't want to add on to the existing quicksand... because i'd prefer to drown alone, since i persisted in walking right in with my eyes wide open. but i now have the answer to the question you asked me in ho chi minh cityno, i never once confused the both of you. there are so many differences between you and no similarity save for your first names... so, how could i have? and the other answer: yes, if not for him, i'd have gone ahead to walk down the aisle with you, which is without a doubt. and it is with dark regret that i cannot bring myself to do it now. even as i acknowledge that i have been so terribly misled. thank you for readily consenting earlier today, to meet patrick and maggie if there was a need. i am sorry too, honey, for using our wedding as a tool to save that man from his situation. i had to... since he had already done so. please forgive me, love.

patrick chong: i pray that you and maggie resolve the misunderstanding in time to come, if not right away. however dense i always say you are, you are an intelligent man. and i am certain you know why i eventually did what i did today – why i tolerated your cold dismissal of our relationship... our friendship... and "listened" to your speech of "how a message of mischief, in half-jest" has caused you such deep misunderstanding with your wife. while i was caught completely by surprise in the first conversation just around lunch-time... i accepted what you said just prior to you having maggie to come on to the line – because i realised it was for her benefit. perhaps this brief dalliance is an ideal wake-up call for both of you – or maybe i am being too presumptuous... or rather, what i am trying to say is, at least it shows you how much you truly love your wife. hey, i can lie to your wife (for your benefit) but it does not mean, i have to lie to myself. that's not to say you did not hurt me. or that it gave you every right to toy with my feelings!  i am not self-sacrificing... and the pain you've inflicted upon me will take a long time to heal. if ever. i can almost hear you telling me to grow up – assuming that you read this entry, which i doubt is likely – but hey, guess what? i did more growing up during over the past few months – especially now, under your tutelage – than ever before. the worst part of it all? i do love you. even as you have turned my love into a mockery.

now as i turn tail to bolt – and this i say to everyone – please do not put the search party out. i have been pushed to a corner such that it is so painful for me to take even half a breath... the feeling is just like how i felt when i was trapped in the car when i crashed it on sunday night... you know how death looks at you in the eyes... then shifts it gaze away so that you can reconsider if life is worth living? yea, that's how i feel right now.

but as in my separate notes to all of you... my plea is that no one releases the emails, messages and sms-es that i have uploaded onto blogger.com. not at this moment please... or the torment i had gone through this afternoon would have been in vain. and i have only one reason for choosing to come open with these messages – because if i choose not to return ever... it is for hutch to see to it that i am vindicated – because i owe it to you, hon – and the dated "evidence" should bear testimony to my maligned state. and i don't think by then, it'd be fair to pops and mum too.

so, "should one expect love to be akin to the grand sweeps of passion in gone with the wind, or comparable to the aching emptiness in
casablanca, or the cold lyrical love in dr zhivago, for it to qualify as true love? or is the greatest love to be found in the little gestures that one person shows for his or her partner?"

i think each of us have our own answers.

you can say all things must end
you can smile and even pretend
and you can turn and walk away so easily
but you can't say you don't love me anymore

you can dream of what might have been
you can cry for what won't pass again
and you can say there's every reason you should leave
but you can't say you don't love me anymore

you can say: "i'm right, you're wrong."
you can make your plans to find somebody else
but i can't believe you can carry on
we know what should be said
but you can't find the words

instead you say: "all things must end."
you can smile and even pretend
and you can turn and say you're leaving me for good
but you can't say you don't love me
just say you don't love me anymore

~~ you can't say, chyi ~~
11th-Apr-2006 12:55 am - this is our home...
sweet home. hmmm... we've finally got the pictures, after the constant badgering. and according to the other one, now that we are looking at the photos... (which by the way, are not very professionally taken, because the honey's not a professional photographer. period...) hmmm... our home does not look that bad. huh? what is the man saying? aiyoh!

i think he's gotten influenced by pops! (yea pappy, i am getting the gang to vote here... not that we're can change anything now, but at least for the sake of seeing if it's truly a case of "old versus young" taste!) well, people, pappy complains that we are "all over the place"... and this essentially means pops feels we should have enforced a specific theme.

then again, the other one and i had a unanimous preference to achieve an individual look for each space. and taking a step back now to "admire" our love nest, we still feel that everything does come together quite nicely, right? =)

i'm going to walk you folks through some of the main areas of the house... and well, my favourite spots will be underlined...

 the kitchen on the ground level

the other one had proposed a mix of white and blue for the cabinets... in the end, we settled on wood. this is the kind of space i've always wanted for a cooking area, with an oven (sponsored by aunt emily!) thrown in so that i can bake!

 the living room on the ground level

which didn't quite turn out the way the other one and i had envisaged. or at least, the colour of the sofa was a tad dark. fortunately, it didn't kill the spaciousness as much as we had worried it would, yea?

 the stairway leading to the second level

we had been provided several woody stairways to choose from... which was quite a headache actually... but thanks to our love for travelling, we spotted the atlas glasses (yupz, they're the greenish glasses you see at the end of the holds) -- the idea's like, walking up into our own world... okie, i admit it, that sounds corny. ;-p

 the home studio on the second level

pure holistic entertainment. initially, the other one picked this to be wai kit's room... but we figured it'd be better if his room was closer to ours... so this room on the second floor is now the home studio -- for endless dvd-chasing especially my sappy korean fare. hyuk hyuk.

 the study room on the second level

ah... the study room... you should see the wood panels on the other wall where they open up to shelves and shelves of books... "stole" the idea from one of those mags i read... now keeping my fingers crossed that the half collection that i am moving over can be contained... =)

 the guest room on the second level

which pappy complained that it was too dark... aiyoh...

 kit's room on the third level

still have not figured out why kit's picked that colour... even though you'd have to agree, it's bright and cheery for a boy.

 our (master) bedroom

pappy complains that the guest room is too dark... the other one feels that our bedroom is too bright. he prefers the romantic aura... sigh... the sweetheart's outta his mind..."who needs the light?" he says. hmmm... well, i do!  =)

 the walk-in wardrobe

we are having loads of fun with the wardrobe... and a bet going! the other one is convinced i'd outdo him in occupying the space (read: i've got more clothes than he has) but i say not. hmmm... am beginning to regret the wager now...

 the not-so-exciting part of the bathroom

 and the truly cool half of the bathroom

another compromise here -- since the other one needs his shower... and i, my tubby. so it's a combi that makes both of us happy. the toilet bowl's kinda cool (however gross you think i am!) but the lid flips open when you come close to it... yea, talk about sensory power! nah, talk about pure laziness. hah!

 my reading corner on the top level

there's even a reading lamp tucked just above the sofa-bed... but as you can see, the daylight's sufficient even with the drawn drapes.

 my sanctuary on the top level

hmmm... where none shall tread... only moi. our first idea was to convert this into a study room, until we realised that there was no way the attic can take my entire book collection... even though i am gonna be leaving at least half of them at king albert park... hmmm... now i shall add only my cd collection -- rather, the oft-listened to ones...

the other one and i have a pact too... that this shall be the area i'd retreat into... my personal space... and no one can/should intrude when i am here... eliminates the need for me to bolt, if ever.

 the rooftop

for loads and loads of bbq-s and get-togethers... yippee!

okie that's about what our love loft is like... and to be absolutely honest, i feel so much happier... because i was in the doldrums, well, a little. doing this takes my mind off certain unpleasant thoughts... and emotes fantastic vibes.

hmmm... thank you, my love, for not faltering... so that i can now look forward to building our lives together. =)
9th-Apr-2006 10:00 pm - please leave me...
alone. i have done nothing to deserve this.

had a sudden asthmatic attack on friday night – saw it coming actually, given the past couple days of whooping coughs and breathlessness... and knowing moi, i was avoiding the inevitable as usual. was driving home at about
11pm when i nearly lost control of the car. realised i should refrain from being obstinate and paid a visit to dr lee at mount elizabeth.

i guess i've not been resting well recently, especially since sister annie's passing, much as i wanted to... so in a way, i was glad when dr lee said he'd give me something to help me sleep. had my phone on silent mode and the next thing i knew when i awoke, i had some missed calls and messages – among which, two stood out.

one had me a little worried – because for the second time in less than a month, this person was "pissed" or sloshed, as we would say. hmmm... so unlike him. but it was like 530am, about over two hours since his message was sent and i didn't think it'd be convenient to call and find out how he was.

and then the next message – from an unfamiliar number – hit me. i was awakened well and good. "are you serious with *******? pls ans me." – succinct enough. and what kind of reply was i to give, without posing any issue for anyone. however the dilemma resolved quickly enough.

in a nutshell, i have been unceremoniously dumped. or at least, our friendship – not that it was unexpected. the writing was on the wall, plain for all to see. and i had been hoping to postpone it.

what i had not appreciated was he took a mere 3 minutes 40 seconds to inform me, and it was done so matter-of-factly. how does one react to such callousness? i don't have the slightest clue to that. but one thing was clear – when it came to the crunch, i was the sacrificial lamb.

should that even come as a surprise to me? no it should not. after all, when it came to the crunch, did my real parents not dump me too?
and in barely a week, two people have walked out of my life. first sister annie. then he. yea. must i always be put to the test? sigh.

got myself discharged and returned home to grab my passport but en-route to the airport, i chose to stop over at the suntec
singapore international convention and exhibition centre. and i am ever so grateful that i did.

i had so many questions. so many doubts. so many uncertainties. i did not recognise him at first. instead it was his partner who caught my eye... and maybe, thankfully he was around or i'd possibly have missed the man. and when i did catch sight of him, i stood rooted, not daring to move forward.

then as i stood aside for a full 10 minutes quietly observing the man who had occupied my heart... my mind... my whole being... for the better of the past few months... i asked myself this: was it truly my phobia to commit that had kept me away from him? or because i knew this was the eventual consequence? i'd never find out what the answer is... but i'd conclude: they are welcome to each other.

and whatever it is, i know one thing for sure. i did nothing to deserve this treatment. do not say you love someone and then change your mind. love is not like picking what movie you want to watch. ask yourself, have you been fair to me?

5th-Apr-2006 05:25 pm - have i told you lately...
that i love you? i should think yes, but not often enough perhaps.

despite feeling a deep sense of betrayal, anger, hurt and whatsoever, i am aware that i am loved. and i do appreciate it... as much as i do appreciate life... and all the people in my life. yes i definitely do.

and i count among my blessings – needless to say, the family... pops and mum... and of course, grams – the sisters of the home, the gang, all my friends... and not forgetting the men who've loved me.

in just under 24 hours, i have been privy to how much love there is surrounding me... and it does invoke some guilt in me for i guess not everyone is that blessed.

in some ways... in many ways, i do accept death – whether sudden or expected. that is just a part of life's cycle. of course, acceptance does not mean it'd make mourning the loss of someone you love dearly with all your heart any easier. no, it never will be.

for those who know her personally – even perhaps for those who don't even have an idea what she was like – sister annie was the one who first saved my life, so that i could live to celebrate my seventh birthday... another two decades more... and maybe more decades to come.

i remember the bastard's face. till this very minute. it had taken me 22 days to get used to the flat. i was supposed to share one of the two bedrooms with who were to have become my older brother and sister, you know... but it was living hell. truly living hell.

but i had just got used to the idea of being "accepted into a family" – or adopted, if you'd have it. so after 22 days of hardly opening my mouth to speak unless it was necessary, i thought i should less ungrateful. for how many abandoned kids could get a chance at being adopted yea?

if i remember correctly, my would-be brother was four years older than i was, a puny fellow who used his "status" at home to bully his younger sister – nah, not me – because he was clearly his parents' favourite child.

so the damn no-brainer i was thought it'd be right to get into his "good books"... and when his sister in one of their usual fights shouted "i don't love you"... i did the opposite. i told him, "kor kor i love you." note the operative word here being "no-brainer" – and so, i had expected, maybe like, hey, a pat... or wow! acceptance... or a what?!

the next thing i know, the man of the home hauled me by my hair into the other room and gave me, for the first time in my life, what we all call, a thrashing. i think the leather belt did not hurt that much. nor that stupid tiger-head buckle... even though afterwards, my flesh did sting when i showered. but no, what hurt was that i was punished because i had said that three words.

and of course, once the thrashing began, it did not stop. i got a slap across the face for forgetting to switch off the kitchen light – no, actually, i got that slap because i ran to switch it off because i remembered it like after three steps? then i had another slap when i woke up earlier than the sister because, er, that's not fair mah... she's older, so she must be first lah.

actually, i don't mind being slapped. but i hate... hated... detest... detested...vehemently the beltings. because each time after, i can never wash my back without any stinging. yes, that's another reason why i take baths (in the tub) than shower... until now. because yes, occasionally, the frightful thought returns to haunt me.

well, add to the 22 days, another 16 days of terror. and every day when the mother walked me to school, i'd be plotting how to escape... ah... even as a six year old, i was already thinking of bolting. finally on the 17th day, i realised it was not ever going to happen. not unless i did something about it, then and there.

thus i decided to be brave. i ran to the mama shop next to the sing kong kindergarten and told the mama-man to call the home. i think i must have pleaded really pitifully because he did. and i swear, if he was not the colour he was, i would have hugged him. bless the mama!

sister rose was out on a church mission. it was sister annie who came to my rescue. the minute she carried me into her warm embrace, i'd knew i was safe. and you should have seen how she gave the family a tongue-lashing... boy, the nun could spew fire when she had to!

as for me... i was so fortunate. i returned to the home... none the worse except for the "torn" flesh on my back that took a little while to heal... but i did not talk much. or when i did, it was because i had some explanation to do for getting myself into some trouble – like hiding up in the mango tree, watching the others search frantically for me... or squishing toothpaste all over the windscreen of the caretaker's van because he said i was a "ye hai zi" (wild child)...

i think it was like about two months later when one of the kiddos told me that i could have another chance at being adopted again... and then that terrified me. tremendously! again, the no-brainer moi who read too many books and watched too much funny tv shows, entertained the thought of leaping to my death. erh... from the second storey of the home. aiyoh. but even the mango tree was taller (higher) hor!

i shall spare everyone the soppy details... but sister annie talked me out of it. and told me i should look forward to celebrating my seventh birthday, which was like just a couple of months more... it was sister annie who gave me her word that from then, i'd get a hug from her, every morning and every night. it was sister annie who said i could always tell her "i love you" without having to fear being thrashed again.

most importantly, it was sister annie... who shortlisted and finally, recommended that pappy and mama ho be given the opportunity to take me home with them... and in doing so, gave me the best in life anyone could have ever wanted. or asked for.

it was sister annie who's always reminded me that i was the "mischievous, spirited and independent angie who's always had a special place" in her heart.

and it was sister annie who taught me to be unafraid to say, "i love you". even though the other party may not reciprocate in kind. and i love you, sister annie. for believing i am a child worth saving.

i love you, pops and mum. and grams. for giving me a beautiful home to be nurtured in, for providing me with the warmth of your love, for allowing me to be who i really am, without fearing that i'd be loved any less. for taking me despite my ill health, for nursing me –be it physical or pyschological –to excellent health. i love you, for making me your princess. and giving me my third chance in life.

yes, i love you too, mr duh. even if you have stopped loving me. nonetheless, i love you. even though you are now saying goodbye. as much i truly wished i don't love you. but i do.

and if i have neglected to say so... i love you. every one of you who are in my life. for whatever role you may play. yes i love you. even though i have to take my leave now.

have i told you lately that i love you?
have i told you there's no one else above you?
you fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles
that's what you do

for the morning sun in all it's glory
meets the day with hope and comfort too
you fill my life with laughter
somehow you make it better
ease my troubles
that's what you do

there's a love that's defined
and it's yours and it's mine
like the sun
and at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one
to the one

have i told you lately that i love you?
have i told you there's no one else above you?
you fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles
that's what you do

there's a love that's defined
and its yours and its mine
like the sun
and at the end of the day
we should give thanks and pray
to the one
to the one

have i told you lately that i love you?
have i told you there's no one else above you?
you fill my heart with gladness
take away all my sadness
ease my troubles
that's what you do. 

take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles
that's what you do

take away all my sadness
fill my life with gladness
ease my troubles
that's what you do

~~ have i told you lately, rod stewart ~~

4th-Apr-2006 05:35 pm - in the rain...

i'd do my crying. for i know i'd never stop missing you. and how i wish i can be there with you. right now. this very moment. until then. but by the time i run over to where you are, it'd be too late.

and i am aware too... that there's no way you'd allow me to ever blame anyone... i don't. no i do. for if i had been informed earlier, i could have been there. to sit beside you. to hold your hands. to hug you the way i used to. for i'd want you to hold my hands. to hug me the way you used to.

i love you. so much. i know i don't tell you often enough. and lately, i have been too engrossed in my world of whirling emotions. my dizzying feelings of insecurity. such that we've chatted less on the phone... i damn myself. for if i had been more in touch, i'd have heard how frail you have become. if i had been less entangled with the unnecessary, i'd have sensed i was losing you.

but i did not. and now it is too late.

i cannot even begin to describe that hollow feeling in my heart now. or the frightful pain that's stabbing me over and over again. for i know i'd never stop missing you.

you would not want me to feel so much sadness. you would not want me to blame them for keeping the news from me. you would want me to give you my word. but i cannot. right now, i cannot promise you anything. nothing at all. except that you'll always be in my mind. you'll live forever in my heart.

pops and mum, i am deeply sorry too, for the way i reacted. even though i fully fathom why you chose to hide the news. give me some time... to compose my feelings, please. i need to walk through this alone.

and hey paulda, i don't mean to take it out on you. but the hurt was a tad too much to bear. and you of all people should have known -- i'd want to have been there for the last lap. for as martin luther said, "how soon not now becomes never."

yes. i'd very much want that. even though i'd have suffered emotionally. but i'd still have been there. and not here, reading a letter. not here, staring at the rosary that's to be mine from now. certainly not here, crying in the rain. because i was not there to bid my farewell.

yes. right now, i am filled with anger. right now, i feel horribly let down. right now, i hate everything and everyone about me. and mostly, at you. for not insisting that you wanted me there. how can you? how can you betray the love we've shared. how could you have allowed them to send for kenny and melvin. but not me??? how could you?

how long would it have taken me to fly to ireland? and it was not like yesterday that you knew you were leaving us. no. not by the date of the letter. no!

but i'd do my crying in the rain. yes i will. and i will miss. yes i will.

and when i am settled, you have my promise. i'd always be "the mischievous, spirited and independent angie who's always had a special place" in your heart.

i love you, sister annie. wherever you are now.

if you wander off too far
my love will get you home
if you follow the wrong star
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me
my love will get you home
my love will get you home

if the bright lights blind your eyes
my love will get you home
if your troubles break your stride
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me
my love will get you home
my love will get you home

if you ever feel ashamed
my love will get you home
when there's only you to blame
my love will get you home
if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me
my love will get you home
my love will get you home

if you ever find yourself
lost and all alone
get back on your feet
and think of me
my love will get you home
my love will get you home
my love will get you home

~~ my love will get you home, christine glass ~~

26th-Mar-2006 10:54 pm - time to...

pick up the pieces and move on... =)  nah, it ain't serious lah... except of course, i do detest the feeling of being taken for a darn ride. of course, i should not be complaining that much... since in general, while it was roller-coasting... there were some really great moments...

well, if i were to look at it through oakley shades -- as i have been often encouraged to do so -- i'd concede that no sum of money can buy the lessons i picked up in this short time. thanks (or no thanks, hmmm... can't quite decide which is the right phrase) to the master i have encountered, i know now many kinds of folks do make the world go round.

i have learned too... many times when you are led into a game unwittingly, the last thing you should do, is to place your full trust on the wrong player. sure most often, we have to depend on our partnership with our co-players... but hey... reality does turn out quite unlike how you've desired your dream team to be.

hmmm... i created a daisyticker on my userinfo page... but i've not paid real attention to it... until grams showed up earlier tonight with the invitation cards to be written and sent out... whoa! it hit me then how time has whizzed by without my realising it... hmmm... was it more of an attempt on my end to act ignorant? i can't say for sure...

well... so here's a new daisyticker... and for those who are keen on getting a better picture of the countdown... starting with my trip this week to meet the respective folks... check out the other spot on blogger.com... =)  meanwhile... the bed and the man beckon... so nite nitez...

yea... it's time now to say... i do.

baby steps towards building a life together...
Daisypath PicDaisypath Ticker
24th-Mar-2006 07:06 pm - when life gets...

too dramatic for comfort. especially mine.

i have been too high-strung to catch any sleep since temerarious tuesday. till a 20 minute respite this morning. and frankly i am only too aware how detrimental that can be.

yet the night before, i was in bed from 2.30am, before "surrendering" to non-sleep nearly three hours later -- this is after i lost count of the number of sheep (both black and white) skipping over fences, to mooing cows jumping over the moon. awww gee!

i chalked it down to pure anxiety over the all-important pitch that was due yesterday evening. hmmm... yea right. but as i told hutch in the wee hours of today, it could've been my intuition in gear, you know, like an omen thingy?

i was about to steal a quick nap at noon yesterday when alex called with the news that pops and the queen had met with an accident. sparing everyone the details, at the time of this entry, mum's pulled through. though for a while there, she had everyone up in frazzles, particularly pops.

for the first time in my life, i witnessed pappy's various emotional changes... from calmness to agitation, to anger then fear, to the depth of his love for mama. whoa!

but yeah! mama's going to be fine. and pappy's started to make arrangement for them to fly back here, where he said, mum will be better taken care of. thank god for little graces.

which steers me to the question of, is there something amiss with me? i cannot quite describe my own feelings... i was frantic over mama's condition... but i did not whip into hysterics. neither was i like totally blue. hmmm... but is being serene an indication that i am heading towards some kind of "depression"? i should think not, though the gang will beg to differ.

despite being hard at work, max is a real darling. since tuesday, he has made it a point to call every day -- worried and concerned over both my mental and physical states. i am blessed indeed. thank you, max... for your friendship. =)

no prizes for guessing who sneaked back today to offer a solid shoulder to cry on (erh... only there are no tears at this time lah.)... and a towering pillar of support (hyuk hyuk... hutch hon, i can almost hear you tsk-ing at the use of the "t" word)... i am truly fortunate... but please don't worry... i am moving on... =)

hmmm... now that i have successfully completed the presentations, hopefully i can finally hit the pillow and sleep like a log. yea, keeping my fingers crossed now. though paulda still insists all i need is a good shag -- that's about all the fanatic can dream of. hmmm... then perhaps... yea, being deprived can be rather painfully frustrating? =)

but it was not for the lack of willing partners... more like i was bugged by this incessant insanity of looking forward to someone's company... i mean, have you experienced that kind of feeling? where you stop just wanting to do it just for the sake of doing it? where you can't help but focus on the one man you know who'll take you to where you wanna go?

reality is odd. we always have our own version -- interpretation, reading, perception -- that we construct voluntarily. veron yells that i've lost my sense of adventure. cookie feels i should get out of the rut. paulda continues to push me towards the rolls.

for one, i object to the "get out of the rut" line -- because i am not in one, in the first place. and i certainly cannot concur i am losing my take on risks... so it is not merely being selective of the men i go to bed with... hmmm... it is more a situation of i only want him -- he fills my mind, every second, every minute, every hour of the day.

and i don't give a damn if the feeling is not reciprocated -- even while i want nothing but to give him all of what i have, so that he can possess the very essence of my whole being. i know it is totally ridiculous that i persist in "tormenting" myself with such thoughts... but hey, say what one wants, i am still very much a woman with her own desires.

i'd confess readily... the thought stirs my latent restlessness into a full-bore, raging fever... especially knowing he holds another each night... ah... but then, the dizzying ride is not one i am about to jump off from, at least not at this moment -- for a simple fact that we know, the heart can only be so long denied before it insists on having its way. so mine can only tolerate so many fruitless dalliances before it became too much to bear.

but that's not to mean i've settled for boredom. no. because i was not even shunning adventure what. ;-p and well, it is time for to climb together with a willing and patient partner who happens to love me. see, you can't just keep hankering after someone who has his own mate.

"there is a fine line between recklessness and courage. it's about time you understood which road to take. it's a fine line and your decision makes a difference. get it wrong and you'll be making a big mistake." yea. succinct.

it was a rainy night
when he came into sight
standing by the road
no umbrella
no coat
so i pulled up along side
and i offered him a ride
he accepted with a smile
so we drove for a while
i didn't ask him his name
this lonely boy in the rain
fate tell me it's right
is this love at first sight
please don't make it wrong
just stay for the night
all i wanna do
is make love to you
say you will
you want me too
all i wanna do is
make love to you
i've got loving arms to hold on to

so we found this hotel
it was a place i knew well
we made magic that night
oh he did everything right
he brought the woman out of me
so many times easily
and in the morning when he woke
all i left him was a note
i told him
i am the flower
you are the seed
we walked in the garden
we planted a tree
don't try to find me
please don't you dare
just live in my memory
you 'll always be there

all I wanna do is
make love to you
one night of love was all we knew
all i wanna do is
make love to you
i've got lovin' arms to hold on to

oh oooh, we made love
love like strangers
all night long
we made love

then it happened one day
we came round the same way
you can imagine his surprise
when he saw his own eyes
i said please
please understand
i'm in love with another man
and what he couldn't give me
was the one little thing that you can

all i wanna do
is make love to you
one night of love was all we knew
all I want to do
is make love to you
come on
say you will
you want me too

all i wanna do is
make love to you
one night of love was all we knew
all i want to do is
make love to you
say you will
you want me too
all night long

~~ all i wanna do is make love to you, heart ~~

This page was loaded Jul 30th 2015, 10:05 am GMT.